Monday, August 19, 2013

Please just let me return this thing.

I like Wal-Mart. I like shopping at Wal-Mart. I like the savings (real or percived) at Wal-Mart. I like their price match policies. As a consumer, I am pro-Wal-Mart.

But this isn't a post about Wal-Mart. This is a post about trying to make a return to a store and getting the fifteenth degree.

First, let's talk about the Wal-Mart experience.

Last Tuesday, I bought something at Wal-Mart. Let's say I bought a neck massager. For $49.97 plus tax. I took it home only to discover my wife already has a neck massager. And her neck massager is better than my $49.97 plus tax neck massager because as well as massaging her neck, her neck massager can be used on her vagina.

So today I bring the unopened neck massager back to Wal-Mart. I enter the customer service line and patienly wait my turn. When finally called on by the customer service associate I explain my situation: "Hi, I would like to make a return. Will you please return this?" I hand them the receipt and my unused neck massager.

Thirty seconds later with no further questions I now have $49.97 plus tax credited back to my credit card. I continue on my day relieved to have $49.97 plus tax plus a vagina massager I didn't know I owned.

Contrast this with other stores. Let's call them out by name: The Home Depot. Rona, Super Store. Food Basics. I'm sure there are others.

Try returning something to these places and you get an interaction that goes more like this:

Me: "Hi, I would like to make a return. Will you please return this?" [hand over receipt and product]
Them: "What's wrong with it?"
Me: "I don't know. Probably nothing, I didn't use it so I can't say for sure. I just changed my mind and would like to return this."
Them: "Changed your mind?"
Me: "Yes."
Them: "I see."

The good news is I can return the product, but as you'll note only after publicly admitting that sometimes my mind does in fact decide the opposite of something it once decided. Q.E.D. I am a damn fool.

I end our interaction thus: "Thank you for the awkward experience, now I will go home and relax with my surprise vagina massager."

[For the record Costco is like Wal-Mart. No questions asked, though the benefit is you can return used meat, vagina massagers, and empty packaging and still get your money back. No joke, Costco's alright in my books.]