Thursday, August 8, 2013

Writing emails to myself

At work I have Outlook set to delay sending my mail for 1 minute. I do this for a number of reasons:

  1. I have enabled send on CTRL+ENTER and sometimes my fingers get greedy, sending a half-formed thought out into the world.
  2. Despite my years of keyboarding excercises, to this day I still make many more typos than I would like.
  3. I have a propensity to come across as rude, arrogant, angry, annoyed, uncooperative, mean, insulting, and condescending. i.e. I am an asshole. Of course, I never mean what I said to come across the way I said it, so I will often spend many more minutes of my time re-factoring my words after I have hit Send.
  4. On every single email I send I make a joke. 99% of my jokes are bad, horrible, in poor taste, insulting, mean, condescending, aggressive, insensitive. After hitting Send is when my brain does that 'WHY IN TARNATION DID YOU THINK SAYING THAT HORRIBLE FILTH WAS FUNNY? YOU BETTER MARCH ON OVER TO THAT PERSON'S DESK AND APOLOGIZE FASTER THAN A VIRGIN IN A TIJUANA WHORE HOUSE." But then I remember the delay and I open the mail, delete my comments, and send just the required information. Note that my blog posts do not have this feature so perhaps this joke is inappropriate. I honestly won't know until I hit publish and my brain reminds me again how stupid I am.
  5. I had 5 points but now I'm concerned about what I said in the previous point that I cannot recall this enlightening argument. I guess it's lost to the ages.
So originally when thought this would be a good idea, I wanted to list the reasons and then afterwards describe why this is a super good idea. But I think I managed to convey that though within the ordered list above.
So on that note, delay your mail.

How to delay your mail in Outlook (most versions released in this millennium):
  1. Create a new rule - Start with a blank rule and select Apply rule on messages I send
  2. Don't provide any conditions (i.e. apply this rule to all outgoing email). When you get a message box asking if you want to apply to every email, reply in the affirmative. Don't let Outlook talk you out of doing what you intend.
  3. In the actions list, select defer delivery by a number of minutes, and select the number of minutes you want to delay. I like 1 minute so I'm not sitting around forever waiting for my mail to send.
  4. Don't select any exceptions.
  5. Give the rule a name. I like "Delay my fucking email because I'm a goddamned asshole." You may opt for something less profane. Name it something that matters to you.
  6. Turn the rule on, and wait.
  7. Keep waiting
  8. Eventually you'll need to send an email. Compose your mail and hit Send. The mail will appear in your Outbox folder. You can open the mail like any other (double click) and when you do, you're back to editing the email. Censor yourself and hit send again.
  9. Repeat step 8 until you are satisfied that you have offended no one and let your professionally worded, positive, encouraging mail slowly exit your Outbox off to the greater outdoors where it will inevitably offend everyone it touches, especially those who receive your mail as a forward with the single line of explanatory text: "look @ dis fukking jack ass..."
  10. Zen.
Update: Yup, that joke was bad.